GAAAaaaaaaasssssppppp! I can’t breathe. Gaaaaaaasssssspp! I can’t catch or sustain my breath. Take a deep breath. Mouth open, get as much air in your lungs as you possibly can. Take a deep breath. Gaaaaassssp…even more. This isn’t working!
Night after night, I would have panic attacks throughout the night. I wouldn’t sleep until my body was literally too tired not to pass out. The sleep I would get would be a couple of hours before I went back to work to do my best to push through, tired as hell.
I was a mess. I was an anxious sleep deprived mess. I did my best to push through. I went to a psychiatrist to help me figure things out. He prescribed me medication and diagnosed me with PTSD. I dropped from a size 6 to a size 4 within a month, over eating and not exercising enough. Where did my ass go? Where are my curves?
I found a psychologist. This expensive psychologist recommended EDMR treatment. I tried it. It didn’t work or me. I endured months and months of panic attacks throughout the night until I finally spoke with someone who recommended the University of Pennsylvania’s Center for the Study and Treatment of Anxiety. I called Penn. I had a phone screening. I began their Prolonged Exposure Therapy process and guess what I learned…
I’m not supposed to take deep breaths during panic attacks! I’m supposed to breathe through my nose and let me exhale be longer than my inhale. WTF! Why didn’t anyone tell me? I was exasperating my panic attacks through my breathing. I didn’t know. I was literally not sleeping for months and I wasn’t the only one effected by my PTSD, my loved ones were negatively impacted as well. My partner had trouble sleeping as he held me throughout the night as I tried to manage my panic attacks.
I was scared. My partner was scared as well. He felt hopeless because he didn’t know what to do.
I understood his fear. I am not the only person I know with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder or PTSD. I have been on the supporting side of suicide attempts, deep depressions, irrational anxiety and mental health challenges. I have had to figure out the line between being supportive and enabling loved ones to grow.
Mental illness effects too many people in our society for us to be so ill equipped to deal with the challenges associated with our brain differences when they arise. It’s hard experiencing the challenges ourselves. But it seems, for me, to be even harder to watch someone else struggle through it.
As someone who has faced challenges, I have my guidance system that leads me in the fight to power through difficulties. I know myself. I am a warrior. I am strong. Even when I’ve been zombie like and over medicated, I knew that my psychiatrist and I were working on this together. I knew that I would persevere. Some days were challenging. There were moments that I’ve felt hopeless. But, I would follow my treatment plan daily. I put any and all tools and techniques into practice. I took my medication regularly. I fought until I reached the mountain top. But to watch someone else struggle, that feeling is powerless.
There were times when others watched me struggle. I was sooo over medicated. I didn’t have the energy to do anything but watch TV and eat. I was a zombie, past a zombie. My partner at the time had to pick up the slack, cook, do the dishes and the laundry. I did the best I could, but it wasn’t enough. It was for sure taxing on him.
I remember one hot day a couple of summers ago when my mom saw me for the first time in a while. I could see the worry in her face as she couldn’t recognize her daughter. The shining light of my soul was no longer sparkling in my eyes.
My social anxiety was through the roof. I was both afraid to be in the apartment alone as well as I loathed to be around people. My partner had to struggle through a lot. He struggled through it alone because the stigma associated with mental illness didn’t afford him the opportunity to receive the support that he needed to support me in a healthy manner.
I’m grateful for the support that everyone showed me. I understand the support that I did not receive, as well. Mental illness isn’t something that too many people want to understand or accept. My experience really made me want to be able to support others going through a similar experience.
Mental illness doesn’t just effect people who are facing brain challenges. It effects the people who are closest to them. Supporting loved ones through mental challenges can be a great fete when it’s really hard to understand what someone else is going through and what we can do for them.
Here is a list of suggestions that I have to support someone through their mental health challenges.
Deep Listening
Thich Nhat Han says it best. Deep listening can be the most healing practice that we can participate in for our loved ones. This means that we just let others speak until they get out what they need to get out. Deep listening is not about lecturing. It’s not about sharing your opinion unless you’ve been asked. It is about holding a space for someone else to verbally purge their soul while knowing in the back of your mind that though they may be in a tough position that they can conquer their challenges.
Everyone is different. One thing that I have had to do is not project my experience on to others who have been diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar Disorder. The tools in my toolbox are for me, and they do not move everyone in the same way. This is why I really needed to learn how to listen deeply. I need to be sure that as my loved ones face mental challenges, I provide suggestions that are designed for them, and not only what worked for me. Otherwise, my suggestions can be perceived as preachy and I won’t help anyone.
Read
I’m a believer of the passage, “Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will open.” My suggestion to you is to be on a personal search to really understand the diagnosis itself as well as what other people are doing to move past the illness. The challenge of reading for the person struggling through mental challenges is that they may not be in a space to be able to utilize a google search. They may not have the desire or the energy. But, if you educate yourself on what the opportunities are for your loved ones, when they are ready to hear, you can be prepared with suggestions that might help them through their challenges.
Educating yourself about your loved one’s diagnosis will also help you to be able to identify the difference between when your loved one is triggered and not being themselves, and when they are just challenging to deal with. Understanding what your loved one is experiencing can help you to develop a sense of compassion or empathy.
Suggest that your loved one see a therapist
Sometimes, our loved ones need to hear that it is okay for them to go to a therapist. They need to know that going to a therapist is healthy for everyone and not only for people who are “crazy”. Encourage your loved ones to find a professional to help them navigate their experience in the best manner possible.
See a therapist yourself
A good friend of mine had a roof fall on top of her while she was shopping in a popular sports apparel store. She was trapped under debris and thought that she was going to die. I knew that there was no way she was not going to walk away from this situation without PTSD. But her older sister, my other good friend, didn’t quite understand the mental struggle that her younger sister faced.
“I thought that I was going to die,” the little sister expressed. “Yes. But you didn’t,” the older sister responded.
The older sister didn’t understand what her little sister was going through because, let’s face it, PTSD and anxiety are nonsensical. Anxiety over dramatizes the possibilities of what could occur. Then, we get stuck in the possibilities of negativity, not the probabilities that we will be okay.
What the older sister did next really moved me. She went to counseling to better understand how to support her sister. That is the absolute best gift that you can give yourself and your loved one.
Supporting loved ones through mental illness is really challenging. It’s ok if you talk it out with a trained professional that can provide you with the tools that you need to be able to handle the stress and pressure associated with the situation. To be honest, until you have tried this technique, you have not tried everything.
Don’t ever give up hope
“She may never get better.” I heard someone close to me say. It blew my mind. Why would she not get better? How could we even hold that thought process?
As soon as you give up hope that someone can get better, you may give up the search for that solution that may be around the corner.
One of the best things that a mentor told me was, “As soon as you set limits on possibilities, you’re setting limits on god.” Never give up hope for your loved ones. Let them be the hopeless ones and come around to your understanding when they are ready.
If you’re not built Ford tough, maybe supporting someone through their challenges is not for you
Supporting someone through their mental challenges is not for everyone. If you cannot be an uplifting, compassionate, supportive beneficial presence in someone’s life, exit stage left. Make room for someone to be able to come in and support he or she in a beneficial manner. If you’re not willing to read, go to counseling, listen deeply, then your calling in life may not be to support loved ones in their time of need. That’s okay. Make the full commitment to be there and do your best, or kick rocks.
Sometimes, the supporters need support. This is why loved ones are included in the empowering mental health nonprofit that I am creating. This is a space for the whole community to get together and to share what is working for everyone.
If you are moved to contribute to the creation of this nonprofit, please donate at the link below.
kimmy.guru 